Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Scared. Stiff.



I don’t do surgery. Jeff does surgery.

I have horrible thoughts when he is wheeled away…veering down the hall to go under the knife. They took him away 30 minutes following his grandiose entrance into the world. The ambulatory team took him before I was even made aware of his diagnosis.

That is what I remember and it was horrid. I received his diagnosis over the phone (not even a land line – my dad’s mobile phone) from a revolting neonatologist. The man should not have the title. That’s what I remember.

I can handle all of the post-operative care in the world, but I don’t do surgery.

The tubes.

The wires.

The sometimes inept staff.

It does not bother me.

But watching him going down the hall, out of my sight…it terrifies me. My control is gone; ripped away and he’s in their hands.

I know. Trust.

It is so hard to trust. Too many mistakes, misdiagnoses, etc. have been made.

So, Jeff does surgery. I come later.

Friday, I’m “doing” surgery. For some odd reason (damn that instinct) I feel the need to be there this time.

God help me, please. I can at very least trust in a higher power.

7 comments:

Mommy to those Special Ks said...

We'll be praying you through it. Every step of the way.

Melissa @ Banana Migraine said...

I'm there with you Michelle - thinking about you and little sweetie and sending good thoughts, strength and prayers your way.

Michelle said...

It is an awful feeling when they take your baby and walk away down that hall isn't it :( You have the prayers from all of us out, Elliott has our prayers, and the doctors have our prayers. I hope you can find some peace in that tomorrow.

luvmypeanut said...

It's hard to feel nervous after all the trauma our kids have been through. But I know the nurses in the CARES unit and Dr Cusick and I know Elliot is in good hands!

If you get Rose or Robin or Monica or Linda or Pat for a nurse, tell them Hi from Alex!!!!

simplycamille said...

Even if it is very scary, you are getting stronger. It is hard to imagine but Elliott and his hurdles are making you a better, stronger woman. Hang in there; your little boy is strong, and he'll carry you through. All my good thoughts are with you.

~ Teresa ~ said...

I will be thinking and praying about you and Eliot today.

Lisa said...

Just wanted to let you know that I absolutely agree on the tonsils! And the surgeon's can tell when they are under if they are obstructing. That is what Lily's ENT looks for everytime we have to put her under for tubes, abr, etc. Plus, she did have a sleep study. I think most children with Ds should have sleep studies-especially if they snore or have enlarged tonsils. Sophia just has hers out and prior to she was having a hard time swallowing (choking and gagging alot) and not eating, since she is eating beautifully! Plus, her sleep study showed she had sever obstruction.

Hang in there, I promise it does get better! Hugs to you and your boy and praying he gets better quickly!

Lisa and Lily