Thursday, April 12, 2007

Who is in charge here anyway? I thought that I was behind the wheel!

I am the first to admit that I am a control freak. As defined on Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: “In psychology-related slang, control freak is a derogatory term for a person who attempts to impose excessive predictability and direction on others or on events, often associated with insecurity or a lack of trust. Frequently, a person labeled a "control freak" has a position of authority or superiority in a relationship; however, the person's obsessiveness extends beyond the acceptable range of control. A related concept is the neat freak, who seeks to achieve control over his or her environment by excessively cleaning and organizing. Severe cases of controlling behavior may be a feature of obsessive-compulsive disorder or of narcissistic personality disorder.”

Okay, I fit the bill pretty well, most of it, but not all. I am not an insecure person, but do consistently try (and try some more) to predict the future and to make it go “my way.” I have the “neat freak” mania going for me as well, but really, that is another entry.

Enough already about my faults. This particular fault, however, is beginning to really get under my own skin. I plainly cannot control sweet Elliot’s destiny. I know this…

And I know that I also have no control over our daughter’s fate (but just maybe a little bit more).

I cannot even begin to gauge Elliot’s supposedly “predictable” milestones: the first “I love you mommy” or the first steps on two feet. Nor do I know if he will ever reach what many consider to be typical milestones. I also cannot control the health of my little bundle. I know this.

I have accepted this, so why, oh why, do I still cry myself to sleep sometimes? Why do I worry so? Why do I try to diagnose each and every minute (or colossal) thing that pops up regarding Elliot’s health? Why am I driving myself into a delusional state of being? I know; it is called “motherhood.” But, is it really supposed to be like this? Why do I think that it is harder for me specifically?

Admittedly, Elliot is helping me to overcome my controlling nature. Alas, I am just not “there” yet. So where am I? And, when will I be where I need to be? My cherub was brought to me to teach me…to teach others what authentic beauty is…to show the world that it is okay to be dissimilar – to be special. But most of all, I think that he is here to help me conquer my fear of having a lack of jurisdiction…of authority and ultimately, of control. It’s really in God’s hands (and always has been) but never before has it been thrown in my face with such brutal force and such candor.


Alice said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog. Your very honest post has made me smile because I worry about just how easy it will be to control Alfie's future and how I'll have to sit back and let him do his own thing rather than dictate his life too much. I have to stop myself saying 'right, I'll only let him have cool haircuts' or 'he's not going to listen to soft rock if I have anything to do with it'. I worry that it's going to be very very easy to boss him about! We mum's all worry about our own silly things, feel guilty and think we're not doing enough right. You can't control the future but it might just uncurl to be a flower you never could have dreamed of.

mom2rhett said...

Ah Michelle we are so alike. I can't tell you how many times I have cried myself to sleep at night wondering of the what if's. Hugs my friend....